Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm still alive, but just barely.

I know my blogging regularity stinks. My blog might as well be nonexistent, but here I am anyway. I have so much on my mind, and well, its going to end up spilling over here.

So, here I am. A momma to 3 babies 3 years and younger. I have the most beautiful little ones in the world. I am so lucky be to their momma. Lately I feel like they are getting the short end of the stick.

Confession time: I am a DISASTER!

We found out that Braden is getting laid off. As in by the end of the month we will be jobless! YIKES!

On top of that I am in the thick of post partum depression. Most days are a blur, and it takes every ounce of energy I can muster to just get out of bed and get through breakfast. Then, by nothing short of a miracle I seem to be able to make it through the morning, past lunch time, and make it to nap time. After that things are kind of a blur and next thing I know it 7 pm an I need to feed my kiddos dinner, get them into the tub and into bed. I don't even feel human most days. I just feel like I'm on autopilot watching this sad and tired woman drag herself around trying her best to keep it together. That's all I want to say about that for right now. I could write a thousand posts on this related to this, but I won't . At least not now :)

Sounds like fun doesn't it. Well, if you can believe it, it get better than that.

My dad has cancer. There, I said it. My family has suspected as much for several years, but my dad being who he is didn't want to get it checked and taken care of (that sounds really horrible, but there you have it). A few weeks ago he ended up in the ER, and then admitted to the hospital for almost a week. So now I'm trying to figure out how to process all of this too. My dad is one of my biggest heroes. I am 33 and I still need my dad.

I live 2000 miles away from the rest of my family. I feel isolated and so very alone.

Braden has been a huge support, but he is stressed and it is starting to take its toll on him. He doesn't sleep well. He forgets to eat. He just looks tired and gray (don't get me wrong I still think he is as handsome as ever, and maybe even more than ever).

I have been finding myself saying a million silent prayers throughout the day. Prayers for strength, prayers for health, prayers that a job will be found, prayers of thanks for the 3 little ones that love me unconditionally, prayers that I can have the faith to get through this, prayers that I can feel something other than sad, prayers for comfort for my family, etc.

I have been through tough times before. I came out on the other end of a trial of heinous proportions in 2004 having learned so much. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I learned that I am loved by so many people. I learned how to forgive. I learned that my Heavenly Father knows me, and trusts me.

I am thankful to know that ALL things can be for my benefit and that families can be together for eternity.

So, now what.......

1 comment:

Claudia said...

Dear, sweet Alayne. I am so sorry for your pain and trials. I will pray for you and your family. May I also offer some unsolicited (and of questionable value) advice? As much as you can, drop the guilt - for whatever you're feeling it for - if it's the chicken nuggets or the excess movies or the messy house or the whatever it takes you to get through the day. Your kids really don't care - I promise. And you will start to feel better - I promise. It just takes time, lots and lots of time. And forgive yourself for needing help - even if it's just emotional support from your friends. I'm 1200 miles away, but I will do whatever I can to help, even if it's just listen when you need to vent/cry/whatever.
I wish I were closer and could help more. In the meantime, know that I am thinking about you and praying for you.