Friday, December 18, 2009

I AM still alive.....mostly :)

I had the best intentions of keeping this blog updated when I started it. I really did, I promise.

Here I find myself again, months removed from my last little visit here.
I am now 8 months pregnant, and ready to have this baby already. By ready I mean physically ready only. I am beyond done feeling the size of a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon.

This pregnancy has not been an easy one for me. In fact it has been nothing short of HEINOUS! I didn't get morning sickness, or haven't had any pregnancy problems at all. In fact, minus the 8 or so weeks of smells making me feel queezy, this pregnancy has been super easy.I have had contractions, some painful for months, but nothing too concerning. The problem has been pregnancy induced depression. It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I wonder what on earth I could have been thinking when I said I was ready for another little one. I feel overwhelmed. There are still boxes to be unpacked from our move (more than I'd care to publically admit), my kids have watched more movies than I care to own up to, I have spent far too much time with my backside stuck in a chair and counting the hours till nap time and bedtimes.I find myself being short tempered with my kids and Braden. I often feel like the worst mom in the world, which leads back to me wondering why on earth I'm having another baby. There have been several nights each week for months when I cry at night telling Braden that the best thing for this baby would be to put it up for adoption ( Braden just holds me and tells me that he believes in me, and that he couldn't think of a better mom for our kids than me. He reminds me that they are happy and growing up good, and that they both love to learn, and love eachother. Then when he says prayers he asks the Lord to bless me with strength, and with peace, and to help me know how much he appreciates my efforts on behalf of our little family.)

Anyway, I started this rambling because I just had a little reality check. Both my kids are feeling under the weather. AGAIN (we had a round of swine flu visit us right before Thanksgiving, and were just starting to feel like things were back to normal). They are both still happy and animated. They just have runny noses, slight fevers, and Bubba has been throwing up. Well, I was sitting there on the couch feeling tired and overwhelmed, and my little girl walked over to me handed me a Tigger toy, smiled at me and said "Tiger. Rrrraaaaarrrr." For some reason her little interaction, her big, bright blue eyes gazing up at me, and her perfect little smile touched my heart. Looking at my two beautiful little ones, and knowing the sweet spirit they have brought into our home, and into my life, how could I not want another baby? If this little guy that I am carrying is anything like his brother and sister, how could I not want 10 more?!

Once again I find myself thankful to the Lord for his tender mercies. For the little reminders that He is at the helm, and if I put my trust in him I have nothing to fear. How thankful I am to be a mother. How thankful I am to know that as long as I try I have not failed.

I don't expect being a mom to three little ones, ages 3 and under, is going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I am under no illusions that once I have this baby that I will suddenly feel the energy to paint, organize, or even clean our home, cook dinner,finish any of the countless projects that have been started and yet to be completed, and feel like I have a good schedule. I know that it may be years before I can wear clothes that don't end up with smeared with snot at some point during the day. But looking at my little family, and seeing how blessed I am, and how far we have come and accomplished together, I know I am blessed. I know that I will not be alone. I know that I have a family that loves me, imperfections and all.


Summer and Dave said...

I've started to re-read Believing Christ by Stepehn E. Robinson and I love the message in the first chapter, its exactly what you said. We do not need to be perfect, we just try to do our best and know that is all the Lord is asking and he gladly accepts our efforts.

You last paragraph is beautiful as are you :-)

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there! I know at times it seems "impossible" but believe it or not these times will pass too and you will be looking at your first grader and kindergartner and asking "where did the time go". Although I found when they were little and close together, those times to be a little blurry, I cherish every moment, good and bad, as those "little people" times are gone. My two bring joy to my life and I cannot imagine life without them. You are a wonderful mother, so don't sweat the dirty laundry, the tv time, etc. Just keep loving them and doing the great job you are doing! And call me if you ever need me :-)